My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
