Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
