my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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