Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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