I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
