Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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