he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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