wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
be right there i have to get my cape
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
