y did u give ur computer a hand job?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
