All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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