If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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