I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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