Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
