The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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