evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Then you guys just all showered together...?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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