I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
