That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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