And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
