I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
