im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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