When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
