don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
