I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
