alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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