i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
if only i could text you this smell
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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