I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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