We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
