my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Randomize
