My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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