My room smells like vodka and shame
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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