if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
