i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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