He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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