Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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