Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
