I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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