So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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