Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
