just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
