you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
