Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
