Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
