someone threw a dead crab at me
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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