I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
