I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
