wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
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