She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
