You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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