I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
