quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
