Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Be still, my beating vagina.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
