I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize