Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
