i just had sex bonerless
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
