i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
