I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize