Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
