I wish I could teleport
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
