I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
