Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I think I sprained my soul last night
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
