I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize